You Mean Grandma’s House, the School Bus, and A Bedroom, All Have This in Common?

In my childhood my parents only had to worry about my falling out of the hayloft, getting stung by bees, or bucked off a horse, but nary a thought about harm from a handheld device or screen. In those days a mouse lived in a barn and a keyboard was part of a typewriter. Today’s parents have to contend with those regular childhood hazards plus what their kids are facing in the digital world, a high risk environment.

This month we’ll learn from Chris McKenna and his organization Protect Young Eyes as it pertains to those spaces where your kids maybe more at risk and steps to take to keep them safe. Then, we’ll check out a brand new resource for parents and their kids No Escape Room, a short movie produced by National Center for Missing and Exploited Children that explains sextortion in just 7 and a 1/2 minutes. Lastly, we’ll take a look at how to relate to your kids by opening healthy lines of communication in order to help them make good choices.

Grandparent’s Home

Now this first space surprised me until I paused to think about it—grandma’s house. I was not fortunate to live close to my grandparents growing up, but my kids were. The rules were a bit more relaxed and now with grandparents generally not possessing the digital savvy compared to their grandchildren, this can open the door to kids watching something they shouldn’t.

What can you do? Talk to the grandparents and have internet safety expectations in place while at their house. Help them with having a strong router and make sure parental controls are on devices. Having guidelines in place for your kids is always a good idea, so expectations are clear.

That Ride to School.

I’ve never understood this. One bus driver with a “gazillion” unsupervised kids behind them, ok I exaggerate, but seriously say 50 kids. Whose idea was this anyway? That’s gotta be one of the hardest jobs in the world. Ignore the kids, focus on the driving, keep them safe. Needless to say with ages 6 to 16, it’s pretty easy for inappropriate behavior, including the viewing of porn to be spread around the bus like a bad flu bug.

What is a parent to do? Share with your child or teen in open and ongoing conversations about what is going on at school and on the bus and what they should do if they see porn. Keep reading for more on this.

Bedrooms and Bathrooms

We all need a safe spot and kids bedrooms can be that, but add privacy, late nights, and being all alone—Chris McKenna coins a phrase here “a toxic trio—the combination of bedrooms, boredom, and darkness, whether you’re 14 or 40, these three factors lead to many digital temptations and poor choices.”

What to do? Set boundaries. Give your kids an old fashioned alarm clock so they can get up in the morning. Turn off the router at a set time in the evenings. After nine, cell phones can charge in your bedroom closet. And yes, I’ve heard it before too. “Mom, my research paper is due and I have to stay up to get it done.” Let me encourage you now, stick to your agreement. There maybe a few exceptions, but good sleep equals happier peeps:)

Slumber Parties

Leaving kids alone, unsupervised in a bedroom late at night with digital devises may not be such a great idea. You think? Some parents of late are waking up to the lack of supervision and sleep deprivation to replace it with “sleep unders.” Sleep unders have all the fun stuff of sleepovers—movie, game, pizza, and candy without the sleeping part. Kids are taken home after the fun at 9 pm or so.

But if your child wants a sleepover, here are some ideas to help. Assess your own capacity. Can I do this and still be a sane parent for the rest of the weekend?
Since it’s your house, set the limits. Maybe phones are turned in at bedtime and if the parents need to communicate with their child, they can do so by texting you. Train your child with various scenarios so they will be confident in knowing what to do in a given situation. Share your values. Kids need this more than ever in this age of many voices.

One Tempting Apple with a Big Cost

As I was working on this blog, National Center for Missing and Exploited Children sent me an email about their latest resource, a film called No Escape Room for parents and teens. Since we’re talking about those private spaces, like the bedroom and the temptations put before our teens, this film powerfully explains what a teen boy experiences while being extorted. You get to be in the “driver’s seat” with him as he makes each of the decisions, like “accept friend request or not,” “send nude or not.” It places you in the pressure of the moment. In just seven and a half minutes you can understand what it feels like to have no room to escape. Every parent needs to see this. It will be further motivation to talk to your kids and demonstrate how manipulation and lure are presented by those intending harm.

Safe Places and Safe Talk

Perhaps you didn’t grow up with your parents talking to you about uncomfortable topics, sex being one of them. Unfortunately we live in a world where if we don’t speak up, kids will learn from porn or peers instead of a trusted source. But how do you open these conversations? Short, numerous, mini moments, especially in context will help children navigate when they need it. Teach them young the places that are covered by a bathing suit are private. If someone makes them feel uncomfortable or unsure, teach them to say “NO.” Kids can be taught at a young age to turn away from scantily dressed women. Block your view of the billboard or picture while saying, “let’s give her privacy,” can go a long way later on when the teen is online.

“Give me your eyes,” focused attention can be demonstrated as you put down your own phone and give your child your attention and respect. Demonstrate good listening skills with your kids early on, where you simply listen for not only what they’re saying, but for how they are feeling about what they are saying. Echo this back by telling them what you heard with the feeling, sad, mad, etc. If you don’t know what the feeling is, guess as close as you can and let the child correct you. An example might be. “Oh, so you were feeling sad when she took your doll away. Is that right?” The power of listening attentively goes a long way in building trust and connection with your child.

Timing and place are also important. If your kiddo is tired or hungry it’s probably not the best time to have an important conversation. Make sure both of you have this need met first. You also will know neutral places where it’s better to talk. Sometimes going on a walk or while grooming the dog or driving in the car, these and others are spaces your child can open up and talk. See what makes your child feel comfortable. Mimick their body language, i.e. leaning in slightly and get down on their level. Take time to play with them, even short 5-10 minute stretches will open up your relationship and help them to know you are the safe person to come to.

Let me mention another idea for families to help with device addiction. My daughter and her family practice this. Turn off your phone one hour a day, one day a week, and one week a year. This applies to parents and kids. During those times be sure to connect as a family through conversation, play, outdoor time, and more.

Online, On Guard!

One simple skill we can teach our kids at a young age is to be on guard when online. Perhaps you have a swords up hand signal used to indicate danger when they are young, as if they are entering the battlefield. Reinforce this to alert them to pay attention just like you would with any high risk environment.

What should they be looking out for online? “Nice” strangers. We teach kids to be polite and use their manners, but we also have to teach “walk away” from strangers and any interaction that doesn’t feel comfortable to them. Two words are sufficient. Leave it! Let them know they are not being rude, but safe and you’ll be proud of them.

Next let them know that digital secrets are a bad idea. No digital secrets. The teen boy above needed something rolling in that “all go, no slow brain” (as Chris likes to say) to kick in stranger danger and that hot girl is some 50 year old male in Chad extorting me for money. Let kids know they can come to you and demonstrate that you will be a calm safety net for them. Also, anyone who flatters them or offers them a gift, say No. Tell them that no one can make you do, send, or say anything you feel is wrong. Reiterate that their gut feeling wants to keep them safe. If it feels wrong, it probably is.

Here’s what to do for what feels creepy. Put the device down. Go and tell a safe adult. Help your child to identify safe adults at school or wherever they are if you are not there.

Resources

5 Most Dangerous Places for Kids to be Online, January 4, 2024 by Chris McKenna, ProtectYoungEyes.com

noescaperoom.org a chance to experience sextortation from a teen’s perspective A highly informative 7 and a half min. film, produced by National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

jacobooyensministries.org How Do I Talk to My Kids About Online Predators?

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